[claire]Goodbye Tara, Thank You

[Chrissa Pullicino]

Blessed Friends and Loved Ones of Claire-Tara's, 
 
I recently learned, after the fact, that Tara (Claire) left this world a few months ago. I was/am so shocked to hear of her passing. She was so vibrant and healthy the last time I saw her (September 2003).  I spend about half the year living in Costa Rica and I regret now that we lost touch over last winter, because I did not know she was sick and did not have an opportunity to reach out one last time, in this life.  While I know that she is probably off in samadii somewhere, smiling, I can't help but shed tears and feel sad for myself. I have never lived through the passing of a peer before - only through passings of elderly family, so this is harder.  As I'm sure you can all identify, it has been painful for me, letting her go. 
 
I met her in 1999 at the Sivananda Yoga Center in NYC. She was my first yoga teacher, a friend and a continual source of inspiration.  She "turned me on" to Sivananda Yoga Philosophy and influenced me profoundly.  We lost touch for a period of time, when she moved to San Francisco, but I never forgot her and felt inspired by her often.  She often came into my thoughts and I continued to look up to her and admire her, more than she ever knew.  Last year when I was heading out to SF I was praying that I would bump into her again so that I could tell her how much she had influenced me, that I too had gone on to become a Sivananda teacher, etc.  Sure enough - we crossed paths immediately and rekindled our friendship over the month that I was there. During that time we made plans to really get to know each other someday when I move to SF (a plan I've had for ages). I really saw this, as clear as day, the two of us would become great girlfriends.  I thought she would be that friend that
 unexpectedly comes into your life, not fully connected to your already existing circle but someone that once they arrive are here to stay. I had a vision that Tara was going to be this friend in my 30s.  After I left SF we kept in touch briefly on email.  She was helping me sort out potential opportunities in Costa Rica, as she had once taught yoga at a resort in Costa Rica (Asamsati). During the time that I was in Costa Rica and unable to email often we lost touch - but I carried her business card in my wallet and often looked at it for inspiration (it dons a photo of her in a magnificent and difficult posture looking easy and graceful).  
 
Going back in time now.... I remember the final day of my 1st yoga course in 1999, taught by Claire - she concluded by asking if anyone had any questions.  My hand was the only one to go up. She was expecting a question about yoga, but I was far more fascinated by her. I asked, "So what's your story, how did you get here?"  Last year in San Francisco we laughed about this. She told me that it was the only time she had ever been asked this in a class setting and also  the only time she ever answered a personal question like that, in a class.  Her answer inspired me then, and continues to inspire me.  She told the class about her life, job, love in SF and how she just wasn't satisfied, that she decided to step out of the box and went on to take the Sivananda TTC (teacher's training course) and then lived within the organization.  This idea, that a person "climbing the ladder" could leave it all behind and find a deeper, simpler happiness - so inspired me as a young twenty something. 
 In fact, although she did not know at the time, I followed in her footsteps. When I graduated from TTC I remember distinctly thinking (as I came down from the stage with my diploma) -WOW now I know what Tara experienced becoming a teacher, now we share the same truths, I wonder if I will see her again. I admired her so much. Then my wish came true last September (only 2 months after TTC). I was in SF doing karma yoga at the center and bumped into her. I was thrilled to see her again, tell her what an influence she had been, and talk about the future with her.  We shared a weekend at the Ashram in Grass Valley, and a wonderful car ride, where we jokingly "interviewed" each other on the history of our lives. I was simply in awe of her sweet spirit, and I wanted to know EVERYTHING about her.  One thing that really stood out was her generosity.  During that car ride, she paid for a full tank of gas, refusing $ from myself and our friend Gopi - she said instead of giving her $, "make a
 donation to the ashram!" Another day, when I was at the San Francisco center, Tara came and brought beautiful flowers (mums) for the alter.  She was so giving.  
 
She was someone that I looked up to so much. As I was starting a career in yoga, I asked her if she ever blended styles, and she reminded me of the importance of keeping it pure. She said that she only teaches what she truly knows and that those who it appeals to will come.  I have always held true to that.  I think I found her so inspiring b/c she illustrated to me that it IS possible to be true to your yogic path and still living outside of a contained community. To me, she was an example of really living your yoga. Putting it to the test, every day in the "real world."  She felt that Swami Sivananda was guiding her. Tara remained at all times, in my eyes, completely down-to-Earth. 
 
I am so incredibly disappointed that I will not know her further this time around, and I am so sad that this happened to her.  She really appeared to be the picture of health which shakes me to the core b/c it just makes one realize how we really are just passing through, and we never know how soon our time could come. I believe that she was so evolved that she had already accomplished what takes the average person 80+ years to learn.  I appreciated the quote one of her friends wrote, about her being the closest thing to a saint that they'd ever known.  She is so special. I don't think she knew how deeply she affected people - even those who really did not know her well (like myself).  After several days of sobbing I had to stop and laugh, b/c I thought she would really be surprised that I was so struck with grief. I wondered if she would have cried for me?  But she touched people so deeply without even realizing it. I feel so lucky to have known her.  Still I can not believe this
 happened. Maybe it will always be unbelievable in a way.
 
Like my plans to move to San Francisco in the future, I have also had long time plans to visit India and had intended on consulting Tara before the trip.  I believe now that I will spend some time there next spring/summer 2005, and my time at the Ashram will surely take on additional meaning now.  
 
I am so pleased that she had the opportunity to return to India, I know how special it was to her, and that she received so much love from the Sivananda family there and the amazing friends that accompanied her. Her life, death, cremation, all were so beautiful and inspiring and I want to thank Mark and the website contributors for allowing those of us not present to have this beautiful window.  Your website has been the only thing that has given me peace. Thank you.   

 
Dearest Tara, your beauty, grace, humbleness, humor and light have inspired me since the day I met you.  Thank you for opening a door and lighting a spark within me that has changed my life.  I will always feel we have a connection, even though our days were brief. OM NAMO NARAYANAYA. 
 
Om and Prem, 
Chrissa (Ambika)