[claire]The Meaning of Life

Claire Rudholm claire@pranamaya.com
Thu, 1 Jul 2004 20:35:07 -0700 

Dearest friends and family,

The Joni Mitchell song Lauren referred to was "Case of You". Impossible 
to sing by anyone but Joni, let alone someone with a paralyzed vocal 
chord.

"You're in my blood, you're like holy wine
You taste so bitter, bitter and so sweet."

It didn't occur to me at the time, but I was singing about cancer, 
there at the dinner table littered with Japanese food take out and 
yellow Bette Crocker birthday cake (with chocolate frosting from a 
can...all Kimbo's birthday wishes).

But first, let's talk about Mark. He has in this short period of time 
gained the reputation as the busiest man in Kerala. Not a difficult 
title to acquire, I'll admit, but still notable. His days are filled 
with activities such as hanging and removing my mosquito net, brushing 
my hair, carrying me up staircases, unwrapping ricola cough drops, 
administering my complicated medicine schedule, popping coconuts (there 
are no monkeys on the ashram, Gaylon, so Mark has to do it all), 
peeling tiny bananas, downloading email, reading email to me, 
scratching my back, tickling my feet, playing with my hair, giving 
candies to my guests, procuring coconuts from the local authorities, 
fetching chai, and paying priests to bless my mala. Several days ago we 
were discussing the breadth and depth of his responsibilites. He said, 
"Well at least I don't have to cook for you!" The next day I became 
very ill and developed a (temporary) aversion to Indian food." Within a 
few hours a makeshift kitchen was installed in Mark's bedroom and he 
was off to the city for grocery shopping.

This is of course lovingly supported by me saying things like, "Where 
have you been?! I've been waiting! (for ten minutes), "Why are you 
neglecting me??"  or "No, you don't need to be faster-- you should just 
be more efficient." He is well on his way to becoming the busiest saint 
in Kerala, a very sought after title.

As you know, my health has been a bit rough this first week. Despite 
the incredibly beautiful stewardesses and a crystal water glass that 
magically refilled throughout the night, as well as the other amenities 
of business class on Singapore airlines, the trip took a big toll on 
me.  That and the shock of landing in India where the climate and 
culture are so vastly different than Californnia.

My energy is slowly recovering, but I have not left the comforts of my 
bed much in the past three days. My vision is getting worse each day 
and I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to write and read 
without Mark's assistance.

A few days ago I had what in retrospect seems to have been a simple 
case of food poisoning, but because of my condition, seemed much more 
serious.  I couldn't keep any food down and completely lost my 
appetite.  I was in a great deal of discomfort, and was scared, because 
people with cancer often die of malnutrition. One night I finally felt 
like completely giving up, and I started to bargain with God to see if 
it was possible to make some special arrangement to squeeze me in 
sooner than later. For better or worse, I couldn't keep a vision of 
Monty Python's grim reaper from The Meaning of Life ("Dear, there's 
someone here about the reaping. I don't think we need any.") The next 
day I felt much better and woke up with an appetite. Since then I 
haven't been able to stop Mark from reciting bits from his favorite 
Monty Python films.

To conclude, we return to Joni Mitchell. My point is of course that 
being diagnosed with cancer has been a very bitter experience. In some 
ways it took everything away from me, my heahth, my vocation, even my 
voice.  But it has also sprouted the seeds of unspeakable sweetness. I 
feel the sweetness literally in the place I sit...the air smells like 
melting sugar, the refreshing breeze, the depth of the locals' smiles. 
But truly I tasted this rare sweetness first in the love that radiates 
form all of you. Such concern and generosity has moved me and changed 
me, and this is priceless.

Meanwhile, Alejandro please learn to send messages to the proper 
mailbox. Can you believe he went to Harvard?

With all my love,
Claire and Tara