[claire]Monday, August 2nd, 6:34pm India

[Mark Holmes]

Hi everyone,


I hope you're all doing well given the last e-mail we sent out.  I'm
sincerely sorry to inform you of something so personal in such an
impersonal medium, but as they say in India: "What to do?"


We're still recovering from the last week or so with Tara as it was
quite intense, and then of course the 18 or so hours after she died
were completely overflowing with chanting, visitors, laughter,
popcorn, tears, an amazing full moon and beautiful sunrise.  We slept
well last night, but it's going to take some time for this all to
settle down.


I spent much of the day either at the Neyyar Dam police station or
communicating with the American embassy in Chennai in the next state.=20
Corey had the privilege of joining me there for a while, and was quite
struck by the sight of Swami Govinda flanked by two uniformed police
officers sitting at desks: olive drab, orange, olive drab.  Would have
made a lovely photo.


Tara's body is currently residing at the Medical College in cold
storage because a foreigner dying here in India generates an even
greater than normal amount of paperwork; and since 9-11, Americans are
specially singled out.  Each step of this process=97literally each piece
of paper involved=97has it's own bribe paid to move it through the
system in a timely manner.  Fortunately it's all pretty friendly, and
we have permission to retrieve the body tomorrow morning.  Tara's soul
is undoubtedly looking down and laughing as we navigate the typically
complicated and paper-ridden Indian bureaucracy; she knew what it
would be like to die here in Hindu tradition, and I'm sure she also
knew how complicated it would be in Indian tradition.  What to do.


Next we'll proceed directly to the crematorium, where all the
arrangements have been made for a traditional wood-fired cremation;
after about 3 hours we'll collect the ashes and bone-pieces in a
simple clay pot=97all per Tara's request.  Then begins 16 days of quiet
time; usually the family gathers, stays at home, and does rituals to
help the soul find liberation from it's body, friends and
surroundings.  On the 16th day a large puja is done, and then things
return to normal.  In this case normal for Tara is her request for
Swami Govinda to preside over the spreading of her ashes in the Ganges
river in Varanasi.  She expressly wrote in her living will that he
would take care of everything, and so far that's shaping up to be
quite a big deal.  There are no less than 4 locations across India
that have been chosen as particularly holy and auspicious for this ash
spreading, including Varanasi and Uttar Kashi near the mouth of the
Ganges where another Sivananda ashram is located.  There are more
plans that I'll let you know about as they develop, but suffice it to
say it will be grand and quite fitting.


And keeping with my commitment to Tara to stay till the end, I will be
staying on in India at least another 6 weeks to provide some
continuity to these final ceremonies, and in some cases to perform
them.  I'm greatly looking forward to 16 days of mellow, relaxing time
after the cremation=97a chance to recuperate after what has been an
unbelievably, often beautifully intense 6 weeks.  After that it's time
to travel north to some of India's holiest places... just another step
on this continuing journey, and Tara again provides us with and
incredible opportunity and a window into a beautiful world.


Clare will return home Tuesday night, but I'm hoping she will come
back for the trek north as it would be fitting and wonderful to have
her there.  Corey may be returning home in the next week as she
unfortunately has considerable obligations waiting for her there.   I
will be sad to see them both go, as they are simply part of the family
now, though I've really not known them before.


Again I can only promise to write more about yesterday when we can get
the time and energy.  Clare and Corey and many others spent a great
deal of time completely cleaning, cleansing and purifying Tara's room
today.  We will do chanting in there for the next 16 days to help send
her on her way.


Life goes on.  Returning home last night after leaving her body at the
Medical College and attending one of our first real, full satsangs, I
came back and stared in Tara's open window=97as I had so many times
recently=97at the bed where she lay for so long.  There was a clear
impression in the bed from her body, and the remnants of the
ceremonies in the room yesterday were everywhere: incense ash; many,
many flowers; rice and Ganges water from the departure ceremony; a
measuring tape for details on the police report; pictures of Swami
Sivananda and Swami Visnu-Devananda and Amachi on the altar; so many
things hinting at the incredible events that took place the day
before.  And as tears flowed freely down my cheeks, the immensity of
just what kind of impression she has left on so many of us struck me,
and I was simply humbled.  I have been the nexus for so much
communication in the last weeks, and the number of stories of deep
inspiration and transformation in people's lives because of Tara's
presence is enormous.  That's a hell of an impression, and I know in
my heart that the story will not end here, but continue to grow larger
as the ripples of her life and her passing continue outwards, gently
nudging those around her floating through our own lives.


And this morning was light, easy, beautiful, and definitely another
day.  Life goes on, and it includes paperwork, chocolate, popcorn,
stories of our friend, preparations for a dramatic cremation and plans
for a pilgrimage north to fulfill her heart's desires for her remains.=20=

Big stuff to be sure.


I'm going to leave you now with the e-mail I was writing the moment
Tara decided to die.  It includes something she started to write on
July 10th to everyone, but never had the strength to finish.  My
e-mail also was to include that photo I took 10 minutes before she
took her last breath; I don't think for an instant that the timing is
a coincidence.


Much Love,


Mark



Unfinished e-mail I was writing at 1:40am, August 1st, 2004:


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What follows is an e-mail that Tara had started to write, but never
had the energy to complete.  Like her 'Meaning of Life' e-mail, she
wanted to compose and write this one herself, so I setup the laptop
for her, created a 100+ pt-size type face for her to try to see, and
let her be.  This was exactly 3 weeks ago today.  Her intention was to
write a 'day in the life', much like I tried to do with the second
photo essay posted.


"A swami who came to visit said, "Everybody is always
feeling life is suffering. But this life is like a countless star
hotel. What hotel is there in the world that can change its ceiling
constantly?

A day in the life...


5am woken by Mark bearing a small bowl of cornflakes and pain
medicines. I sit on my bed beneath my mosquito net and he sits beside
me on a plastic chair to keep me company as I munch. He always says,
"I had the craziest dreams last night, but I can't remember them." He
then asks me if I want to go to satsang, and I say no I'd rather
sleep. I sleep for a few more hours, and this is the best part of the
day. I have little pain and feel very relaxed..."